Cucumber Thief Song (feat. Kelly Dodson)

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

STOP!

Do you know where your Cucumis sativus is at this time of night?

I don't mean to cause alarm but I have very strong reason to believe there may be a cucumber thief on the loose. Over the last three weeks I have come home to find any cucumbers I had left out on the counter to of mysteriously vanished during my absents. Even more alarming, the thief has gone so far as to have stolen them from my kitchen while I was present in my home at the time. How atrocious! If you say it loud enough you'll always sound precocious. Supercalifragilist- Ach, no! The musical number isn't yet. Think of the cukes! Those sweet, innocent, little cukes... They didn't even a chance! HOW GREATLY I MISS THEIR PLEASANT CRUNCH!

Which reminds me! What little traces I have found of the thief's presence, aside from my missing cucumbers, were my beautiful cucumbers chewed remains. A curious, almost transparent substance, coated them which I have only begun to analyze but I felt others are to be advised not to leave their cucumbers out in the open in risk of them vanishing.

SO BE WARNED! 

He’s climbin' in your windows, he’s snatchin' your cucumbers up! Tryna eat em so y’all need to hide your cukes, hide your pickles. Hide your cukes, hide your pickles. Hide your cukes, hide your pickles. And hide your gourds, cuz they’re eatin' everythan out here!

Comments

[whitelotustea.livejournal.com]

What?

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

To quote;

"The Cucumis sativus is a widely cultivated plant in the gourd family Cucurbitaceae, which includes squash, and in the same genus as the muskmelon."

[whitelotustea.livejournal.com]

Well, that's...interesting.

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

Cucumbers or the cucumber thief?

[violet-diva.livejournal.com]

... Cucumbers? You're making a fuss over a vegetable?

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

They're not just any vegetable! Because they're mostly water, they are not as high in nutrients as other vegetables. Cucumbers are 95% water, you know!

[violet-diva.livejournal.com]

I suppose. Still, it isn't a big deal, just go get more cucumbers.

[tenshinomakai.livejournal.com]

And you're sure it wasn't Poncho?

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

What interest would Poncho have in cucumbers? ... What interest would you have in cucumbers?!

Where were you the afternoon of August twenty first?

[tenshinomakai.livejournal.com]

I don't remember. Maybe I was kissing you~

[Voice]

[throwtheroses.livejournal.com]

Awwwo? Who'd wanna steal cucumbers? They're so... Gyyyaaack.

[Voice]

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

Gyyyaaack? Usually they go CRUNCH!

What cucumber did you eat, my friend?

[Voice]

[throwtheroses.livejournal.com]

Errr, no I mean, they taste really bland. I don't see how one could really find them tasty at all.

But at least it isn't beanstalk, those are worse.

[thescaronhisface]

Sounds like you have a pest.

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

A frightfully clever and daring one, at that.

[thescaronhisface]

...Are you sure they're just not taking bites when you aren't looking?

[Voice]

[idea-guy.livejournal.com]

You've gotta be kidding me.

Who would steal a vegetable?

...and what's a cuke?

[Voice]

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

A veggie monster. THE veggie monster. Or is he still allowed to be called the Cookie Monster?

And 'cuke' is short for cucumber, silly.

[Voice]

[idea-guy.livejournal.com]

Uh huh. You know, it was probably just a hungry animal or something.

[fuhgottaboutit.livejournal.com]

But I don't have any cucumbers...

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

Not anymore. The thief took them!

[fuhgottaboutit.livejournal.com]

Whaaaat? He stole them before I even knew I had 'em?? Man, what a jerk!

[jakethetigerboy.livejournal.com]

Of all the things to steal, why cucumbers?

There's more to worry about too, right?

Wait. Transparent substance? That's not water?

[ttlynotblue.livejournal.com]

Considering the viscosity? I think not! It almost appears to be a paste of some sort.

From what I've gathered, the substance has proven to be some sort of irritant which produces a burning sensation in any tissue it comes in contact with.

[jakethetigerboy.livejournal.com]

I had a feeling it might be bad...

I've never known of any paste that's harmful to the touch. Could far be worse if it was eaten and digested.